“vision of maus”
i had a vision yesterday of maus sitting buddha-like under the maple tree in my yard. he was in zazen position, looking down at the ground and smoking. the cigarette between his fingers was fat and slightly tapered wider at the lit end. he was taking long, powerful drags like he used to while driving the old maroon buick, drags punctuated by a final quick intake of breath like a short gasp, then a moment of stillness before exhaling heavily, expelling every molecule of smoke and air from his lungs. he sat beneath the tree, never raising his head, never moving except for the repeated motion of his right arm and hand delivering the cigarette to his cold lips. he could see me without looking. he watched not with his eyes but with his whole subtle being and he saw me standing on the small white porch, smoking, shuffling back and forth, shifting my weight from foot to foot trying to stay warm in the chilled, misty air. i had been taking the first few drags when i thought of him, when i thought of how badly i wanted to be sharing that smoke with him, thinking that in a strange way he was there, that he knew my thoughts and was in agreement, wishing that one or both of us could suddenly transcend the constraints of space and time so that we could smoke together, talk together, laugh and roam together like before.
knowing i was thinking of him, he appeared to me in my yard. he sat calmly and gazed deliberately down at the ground. there was something playful in that, something reassuring. with his posture and shrouded demeanor he seemed to be saying “i am here, you are here… it isn’t difficult to be aware that we are always together, after all, where is here? here and there are merely concepts in our minds. you understand these things—why are you making me remind you?” i smiled as the words drifted thru my mind. i stood shivering in the cold grey afternoon, smoking, watching maus sit quietly beneath the maple tree.
i began thinking of others and they appeared, one by one, taking up residence in my vision. i thought of christopher and i knew he was inside, sitting cross-legged on the couch, cradling his guitar and singing songs. i thought of thor, knowing he was in the kitchen dancing barefoot from the fridge to the counter, making up plates of olives, tomatoes, and feta. alan and gabriel were playing chess at the kitchen table, guzzling coffee and smoking cigarettes, discussing books and trying to distract each other from the game. and it continued, my vision swelled, everyone was there—all my brothers and friends together singing and dancing, celebrating life, celebrating one another. thru it all, maus sat outside contentedly beneath the maple tree, smoking, the same cigarette burning perpetually between his fingers.
